Today is National Cleavage Day, something that now ranks as the 2nd dumbest fake holiday behind Steak and BJ Day. But here’s a helpful reminder that while usually wonderful, cleavage can also be downright terrifying. These 10 types should not be celebrated today.
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Presumably a leftover photo from an edition of Where’s Waldo? in which he was found suffocating to death due to his breast smothering fetish.
2. Jail Cleavage
Though pretty fly for a mug shot. Don’t forget the circumstances you saw it.
3. Holding Up Well For Her Age Cleavage
If the varicose veins don’t get you, the random cobwebs you’ll find during intimate moments will.
4. Hiding Obesity Cleavage
This set of cleavage is designed to distract you while you’re being put into a boiling pot of water to be made into a delicious stew. Also known as: Old Racist Bugs Bunny Cartoons Cleavage.
5. Vintage Myspace Cleavage
The blurry second cousin of Hiding Obesity Cleavage. Quickly becoming Makes Your Twitter Avatar Seem More Interesting Cleavage.
6. Mommy Issues Cleavage
Sorry your mom didn’t hold you enough when you were an infant. Doesn’t make this lady and her Stephen Colbert face attractive by any reasonable metric.
7. Freakish Cleavage
There is no way physical intimacy with this woman would be pleasant for anyone involved. That said, if you have a limited budget and want to recreate the boulder scene from Indiana Jones, go for it.
8. Barry Bonds Cleavage
Girls of all body types are great. That said, push-up bras should come with an asterisk. Much like the cake in Portal, the cleavage is a lie.
9. Disney Star Cleavage
Unless you’re dying for a Chris Hansen autograph, I’m going to say the cleavage of someone under 18 and/or starring on a show kids would insist you DVR should be avoided at all costs. Sorry, Thomas the Tank Engine. You still look great in that tank top.
10. Fat Guy Cleavage
I regret coming up with this post.
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